On Military Gyms: Underground Gay Clubs!

I hate going to the gym when there’s people there. Which is to say, I love going to the gym at 3AM. At 3AM, it’s quiet, and you can spend as much time on a piece of equipment as you want, or move anywhere you want, without some roid-rager waddling over and brusquely asking, “Can I work in?” or, “Almost done?” At 3AM, no one’s going to barge in to your workspace and start lusting after himself in the mirror ten inches away from you.

Little might you know, but military gyms are good workouts by night, and underground flamboyantly gay clubs by day and evening. Yes, that’s right boys, when people start waking up, the homophobic homosexuality begins! I don’t mean to offend gay people — what I’m referring to are those guys who down creatine and roids and work out constantly and wear tight Under Armor shirts yet still act like the most masculine people in the world as they stare at themselves and other guys’ physiques in the mirrors.

For those not indoctrinated… The military considers a gym one of its most mission-ready requirements. Even upon first invading Iraq, the Joes were quickly constructing makeshift weightlift machines. One of the first things built at a school I was at with some Marines was a pull-up bar. All military posts in the States seem to have GNC stores so soldiers can keep pumping themselves up with creatine, protein, amino acids, vitamins, everything. They spend a fortune on these overpriced products. Service-members love to get all pumped up. Many exercise religiously. I don’t understand why guys want to get bigger and bigger so they lose so much flexibility. They can’t move around the battlefield with agility anymore. Weight-lifting is a major component of military culture.

I went to the gym this morning, since I work the night shift. I went a little later than usual, at around 4:30AM as opposed to 2:30AM. People had already woken up because apparently they have nothing better to do (like sleep) while they’re on deployment. Why do you think they do it around here, in a place with fewer women than fingers on two hands? Yep, to impress the soldier boys!

So I get in there and there’s at least two guys in tight Under Armor shirts, showing off…uh…innertube flab. One guy is wearing Ranger panties. Ranger panties are these really short, sheer shorts (like loose boxer briefs) that are somehow masculine if they’re forest green and used in the military. Color it pink and put it in a club and these weightlifters will be like, “Fuckin’ faggots!” But if it’s green then it’s game-on for the most manly of men!!

Then of course there’s the guy who’s singing to himself as if everyone can hear his music through his headphones… Kinda weird. Probably listening to some Nick Carter. Music is always an interesting war of wills at a gym. Too often I’ve heard something to the effect of, “What is this pussy shit? Need to listen to some Metallica or Disturbed while I’m pumping iron!” Yes, up the testosterone even more, to make it hotter! You know what gyms need more of? METALLICA. You NEVER hear Metallica in a military gym. Ever!

And then there’s the most feyest of fey things at the gym: the male workout partners. I cannot possibly see how military guys do not see this as gay. “Hey Ace, you wanna go lift together?” “Oooh I’d love to, Gary! Let me get my work-out gloves and sweatband and little iPod and Ranger panties and KY!”

So then one guy’s standing over another (in Ranger panties) “spotting” the other while he makes loud sounds of physical exertion as he completes his “reps”. The worst is when guys turn up the music really loud so they can grunt even louder.

My god. It makes me fucking sick. What hypocrites. These are the same types who chat up EVERY single female in the chow hall, no matter how unattractive she is, and then talks it up to the guys afterwards. Are you hitting on them because they’re hot or because you want other guys to think you’re sexually attractive? Want to make all the boys jealous?

The military’s full of a bunch of guys who are really insecure about their masculinity. Luckily, they have plenty of like-minded soulmates who can all convene at the same place: the temple of the body!

I just want to make sure this gets acknowledged though… When I was in Baghdad, the military gym for just my group of guys was REALLY good. I mean, it had photos of HOT women dressed in thongs and bikinis on the walls. Now THAT motivates me, not looking at photos of weight-lifters straining. It was, like, the least gay military gym ever. And I loved it. Just five more push-ups and she’ll SO want me!


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