Yeeeeehaww!!! It’s WAR, baby! WAR WAR WAR WAR WAR. Just when Iraq was getting your spirits down, and Afghanistan was all but a forgotten memory of the glory of battle, Iran and Syria decided to stir up shit through their Lebanese Hezballah/Hamas puppet proxies! Don’t those jokers ever learn? They want a pounding. It’s the only thing those ragheads understand. We need to mass our Iraq forces onto both borders and invade Iran and Syria in one fell swoop. Let Israel demolish Lebanon. Those countries have mocked us long enough with their underhanded financing of terrorism. They sit there and laugh at us, the great United States of America, when we get pulled out of countries by pussy-footed liberals! Amadanijihad taunts us and claims we’re like Hitler. Somalia is acting up again also.

If they’d just stop prodding us, then we would just go home and leave them alone! But it’s almost as though they WANT us there, fighting them constantly, spending all our money and eroding our psychological edge in military dominance!

All the evidence is out there. Iranian special forces shot the anti-ship missile from the beach in Lebanon that damaged an Israeli warship. FOXNews showed an inbound missile that contained ball bearings, a hallmark of Syrian work. Iran’s shaped charges and IEDs make it into Iraq via Syria and then are used to slaughter our devoted, brave Marines and soldiers. We’ve long suspected Iran and Syria were behind everything. They should all be destroyed. Our Administration is making a case for war and so are its supporters. Get with the program!

Scene from Dr. Strangelove

GIT IT ON! They want a war? We’ll give them a war, American-style! Bring in the heavy armor, roll over their houses, crush their groves, destroy their infrastructure! Bomb them into the fucking stone age and then buzz the tower like Ghost Rider. Be more like the Israelis. They don’t let people get away with that shit. Take one of our guys hostage and we level your entire country. And don’t you fucking forget it next time! Machismo rules in this barbaric savage wasteland called the Middle East!

Israel’s showing us up. They wasted no time bombing Beirut and Lebanon’s airports. They blockaded an entire country. Why are we dilly-dallying back home with war protestors who don’t see that the best defense is a good offense? Never will the terrorists strike us again in our homeland; not on the right’s watch. Or while on Bush’s watch anyway. Those 2,500 soldiers and Marines who died died to protect the U.S.’s honor and to defend freedom against terror. Can we honor them any more by escalating our war efforts? Fuck yeah.

What are we waiting for?? Come ON! Let’s go! Strike the face of evil down! Smite the Persians and Muslims who seek the destruction of the west and Judaism. Exact revenge for our fallen! We’ve tried diplomacy — Saddam wouldn’t deal and neither will AMadJihad; if Syria would just get Hezballah under control, we wouldn’t have to deal with this shit, right George?

Wait…so… Where did everyone go? Where’s the fucking war? What? We’re not going to do anything while Israel gets all the fun? Wait. How come all our civilian leadership is running the war? How come none of them have military experience? How come we don’t have some generals with brass balls in charge? Why are these generals just talking heads for the chickenhawk civilian commanders-in-chief? We need to go fucking DESTROY those countries! This is our only chance!

Has America been emasculated? We should steamroll through the Middle East! We should turn whole towns into fire bases, then burn it all to the shitty sandy ground. We should have infantry marching through the streets, special ops raining from the sky. I’m not so sure about this anymore. It seems like we don’t have the cajones to fight a real war. What are we? A bunch of peacenik pussies?

Come on right-wing bloggers and pundits! Let’s enlist, go off to war! Little Johnny, get off the couch. You’re my son and you better go fight to protect my family’s honor and bravery! Little Susie, no daughter of mine is going to get knocked up without shooting a few camel jockeys between the eyes first!

So…uh…you coming? Wait, you guys are staying? You say that you’re pretty happy here with your happy family and your happy job earning you happy money? Your job is just to elucidate the rationale for war? That others who don’t have happy families should go fight? That you’d never be able to fight alongside our proud, dedicated service members?

But I thought we were all behind this?? Kicking ass and taking names! Listen to that FOXNews drumbeat for World War! You say it’ll be hard to update your war blog if you’re over in Iraq for 15 months disarming IEDs and going on foot patrols? Well what the hell! You SAID you wanted to fight!