Sunday Introspection

Right now I’m watching Children of Men, a film with Clive Owen and Julianne Moore about a dystopian future London where man has stopped reproducing. It hasn’t opened in the US yet. Thank you movie industry for your timely response to consumer demand! So far the movie is awesome. It reminds a lot of people of Half-Life 2, which I’m also playing — both have collapsed societies run by totalitarians with ideas for unethical scientific projects. In Children of Men, the characters reflect on how as the noise of the children at the playground died away, so did hope. The idea of hearing children was something I reflected upon while in Iraq, when it occurred to me how long it’d been since I’d heard children laughing or heard babies crying. You don’t get that too much when you’re around a bunch of military all the time. However, at least you see a lot more females these days.

I found out about Brave New Theaters, which runs a lot of small indie movies (list here) that won’t get wide release. I’ve seen a few of the movies but there are plenty more that I’m just finding out about now. It’s good that there are documentaries coming out now that shed light on key issues that just aren’t being picked up anywhere. I like that the internet is helping out with distribution of investigations and movements.

I watched the lift-off of the space shuttle last night. It was amazing watching the shuttle dramatically increase in speed. The noise and light generated on-site must be amazing.

CSPAN was covering the last hours of the lame-duck Congress. It was full of stupid speeches by out-going senators and representatives giving homage to dead soldiers and marines. And I’m not talking about ones who died in the last week. They told stories of soldiers who died months ago! Thanks for remaining relevant and productive, bastards.

Cynthia McKinney proposed impeachment on her way out of office. I learned a lot about her watching “American Blackout” which obviously was biased towards her, but she definitely gets blackballed by the media and her peers. To me she is an example of how our politicians should be, asking tough questions even if it ruffles feathers. I don’t think “bipartisanship” means compromising one’s values. Interestingly, I read that she has a BA from USC for international affairs and an MALD (law and diplomacy) from the Fletcher School, which I am applying to. She is well-educated in the subjects she brings up.

It’s freaking killing me that I still need two of my recommenders to turn in their letters. From what I can tell, they haven’t even started and I have less than a month to submit my applications. This is really frustrating because I took care of everything months ago and gave them plenty of time. My next two years are in their hands. I may need to scuttle and find some back-ups soon. Any back-ups I find won’t be as good in terms of their insight into my past actions.

I have been thinking about what sort of career I will be happy in. More than anything I want to have worked towards tangible improvements to mankind. I don’t want to be a talker. I want to be someone who’s constructed something. I want to make things into reality. I want to be active and outdoors a lot — I am not an adventurer right now and I don’t go out into the wilderness presently but I definitely feel alive when I do. I want to have a direct impact on larger things. I do not want to be perceived as a negative person who hinders ideas and progression. I want to be seen as an optimist and someone who can make things happen. I feel quite often that I waste too much time and am not productive towards my personal improvement or towards helping others. I do not want to fall into a life where I am lazy, unhelpful, and inconsequential. I need to be passionate about something, but I have been accused several times of being too distracted by lots of things and not committed. I wonder if I am able to focus on one thing and devote my attention to it solely without moving on to something else. I feel sometimes that people do not commit as much to me because I don’t commit to them; I come across as distant and up to my own business instead of helping a community or people close to me. I feel as though I will say things that are meant to consider lots of different aspects of an idea but they are perceived as me not wanting to execute that idea.

I need to find my cause.

Finally, here is a short list of things I love right now: Julie, Bailey’s Irish Cream, Pizza Hut, Urban Dictionary, Starbuck from BSG, my family, and the new Guns n’ Roses tracks.