It's Fucked Up

I’m hesitant to talk about this to be honest. Julie and I are separated. We’ve sort of kind of been separated for a little while, after fits and starts. It’s been sort of confusing.

Basically what it comes down to at least for me is that I chose to go to grad school instead of move in with her. Her mobility is limited right now so she can’t move to me. I feel guilty about being here despite the massively positive experience it already has been to me.

I love her very much but it’s too hard to deal with on a daily basis (the stress and distance affect our ability to communicate) and I still have two years to go. I think Julie is the most spectacular woman I’ve met but I’m confronted with my personal career aspirations which will likely push me to travel a lot and limit my exposure to where Julie lives.

I know I have handled the whole situation barbarically and crudely. I’ve hurt Julie in the process. I’ve confused everyone else probably also. I have a feeling that I’m not the only one in these sorts of situations — economically it seems like people are deferring on settling down until they’re older, choosing instead education and establishment of career. But it seems like such a brutal choice. I feel selfish constantly.

I want to be the dedicated man for you, Julie, but I feel as though I can’t be that man yet. I might be making the biggest mistake of my life.

I am sorry. I love you.