MonkeyPope Archives: Stilton Camembert, Esq. on “Telephonic Pitch for the Treatment for the Screenplay of ‘Kiss Me, You Moroni!”, 23 Mar 09

[I have a friend who is an amazing writer but he tends to abandon his writing projects often. I wanted to save his writings for posterity and make them more widely available.  The MonkeyPope Archives contain his collected works.  Stilton Camembert, Esq. is a character of his who lives in modern-day but was forged in the chauvenism of the turn of last century.]

“Look, I got a treatment in my hands here that I think you need to hear about. First of all, open mind. Outside the box here. Either sit down or pace cuz you’re gonna feel this one. Alright, here’s the set-up…you still there? Ok, here we go.”
“Cable mini-series…yeah, preferably, HBO will be interested. What’s been bread and butter of late?…No, no, shut up. Period pieces. Showtime’s The Tudors. HBO’s John Adams. Rome…Yeah…Right? Right? Well, check this out — a biography of Joseph Smith, founder of the Church of Latter-day Saints.”
“What? No. Mormons, dude, mormons…Yeah, yeah, he founded the Mormon church…No, they have nobody in Hollywood. No one in politics either…Absolutely nothing to do with Scientology. Totally in the clear…But let me finish. There’s a twist.”
“You ready for this? A musical…Well, why the fuck not a musical?…I know Rome wasn’t a fucking musical. That would have looked a little fucking silly, don’t you think? Can’t quite do high kicks wearing leather skirts…This is completely different…and no, not just because they wore fucking pants or knickers or what the fuck ever in 19th century America. Jesus. This is capitalizing on the zeitgeist, man! People want musicals, they want happy! Look at the fucking economy! You know what feels good when you have no money, no food, and can’t provide for your kids? A fucking musical! A singing, dancing, praising musical!…I know, right?”
“You’re seeing it now…yeah…yeah…totally. Basically West Side Story meets John Adams meets The Tudors meets Jesus of Nazareth…well, I mention the Tudors cuz there’s lots of period sex in that. You know, old British big dresses, bustiers, and tits hanging out and shit…oh, John Adams cuz it’s American, man, appeals to patriotism…yeah, Jesus cuz it’s religious. Well, kinda, I mean they’re Mormon.”
“Actually, no. I’m thinking unauthorized. Unapproved. Makes it sound more daring…plus, I don’t think the Mormon church would be too happy about us explicitly showing how polygamous Joseph Smith was…oh yeah, sleeping with people’s daughters, multiple wives, arrested, ran out of towns, tarred and feathered, excommunicated, received revelations from God…it totally does sound like a soap opera. And it sounds like a fucking hit! So whaddya think?”
“Great, great, that’s what I thought. Let me call my people and we’ll get a draft together, ship it off to ya, and then we’ll start shopping the bitch…oh, the title? Jeez, my bad. It’s ‘Kiss Me, You Moroni!’…Why not Mormon? What are you, retarded? Moroni was the angel that first visited Joseph Smith…yeah, I know. It is genius. Alright, let me get to work on this. Peace out, holmes.”